Running Between The Bushes to Come Home

That music sometimes still plays in my head. The one that I heard, when I first bumped and met him at that art festival. The weather was so fine,  it was gloomy. I have never felt myself that comfy and happy for months but that day. I talked, joked, and laughed a lot. Rain started to fall, left me smiling. I remembered how he smiled then, because my head was stuck on his jacket. 

It was odd, because I have ever lived there for a year before. But that music, people, and him, instantly made me like a foreign. I used to associate that city with nephews, Islamic literatures, old books, PKS, and my aunty before. But since that day, the one I recalled easily was him. 

Pasar Seni ITB (source: Merdeka.com)

I am just another girl that passed. Have so deeply smelled his neck and back, so that I found his mom, sisters, and father. They dragged me. I did know what happened to me, but I wanted to see and take care of them. Why? Then I guessed, maybe I started to fall in love? Or maybe I just want to fix someone else's life? I never know, because mine is fucked up as well. 

My body is a dynamite, can bomb me anytime it pleases. Being with it, both amazing and exhausting. Some day I dont want to live with it, some day I love it too much it hurts. Should I open my skin and take off my skull, then let somebody see the heartbeats again? I doubted it so much. But, his mom, sisters, and father won me

I started singing in the way, hugged him tightly. He always answered my song, then we sang together on motorcycle. I did not mind the rain or cold, for I have already drowned. It really did not matter. One day, I sang alone. He was straight to the road, thinking about something. I just bombard him questions, he was pissed off. 

I could hear what he wanted, he screamed in his head. It was projected through his eyes, whose always refused to look at me. I knew he hide something awful. I knew he had been comparing me with another. He glared at me. I never knew he could do that with his eyes. I was scared and afraid, once again I became foreign.Why didn't you talk to me? Ah, that glaring eyes again. 

I never really know about proper dating etiquette, specially in this fucked up modern world. For these two years, the things I knew were loving, committing, and commitment to love. I never really know about being the 'cool girl' or being 'someone to be proud of'. Once I have ever felt the same way as his's too, I started to zero. I came back to his mom, sisters, and father. Came back to my mom, sisters, and the late father. I tried to love when I did not want to and when they can't be.  I just tried so hard.

But after all, I was just another girl that passed. Nothing really matters about me. Nothing to fight for. Nothing is worth for. Just like he assumed, I was just a shallow - reactive gal that passed. I was not enough and he cant commit.

I realise that I am not a dynamite but a Tsar Bomba. I no longer scare and afraid of him but myself. Within rage, I was just expecting another explosion. Suffocate, rash, vomit, and then that ward again. That formal and superficial smile again. Those questions and pills I refused. Has everything always something to do with my childhood? Hello, Freud? I have my own social mechanism too, dear mental experts. Never mind, I am done. 

The only precious thing right now is raining. It has been always raining. I still dont mind, for I have drowned and burned inside. I dont want to hold grudge and hatred no more. I belong to nothing and no one, but this foolish creature called myself. I am enough. 

Hyogo Prefecture, Japan (source: google)

The music still plays in my head. But the things that remain now, are just the rain and the smile. And that's okay. I have ran between the bushes at the dawn in my dream. It felt peaceful. I cant wait to go home and have a deep nice sleep.