Dealing with Stone or Drowning

Woke up and saw lecturer's post on Facebook feed. She wrote her difficulty shredding the sadness after her father past away. She wrote that she kinda like a robot this last two years. That she used to hide the feeling and turned it into a life satirical joke. She thought she would be strong, but she is just a regular human with emotions. She stumbled again and held not to whining. The loss unconsciously makes her immobile. The loss of someone who sincerely loved her no matter what, the one who never bothered  just like another out there, the one who really she could talk with, be a bomb for her. The bomb started the action that time. 

I felt a little bite in chest when reading her post. Her writing just like I poured the tears years ago. There were many similarities. I remembered when Ayah past away two years ago, she sat beside me and told that I was stronger than her. She told not to whine longer and try to stand up again, but just don't force it. I did not get that strong-looks that time easily. Several times planning to drown self or run into a really fast moving fragment never missed in head. Felt like a huge stone over me, hardly breathed. Sometime, it felt like I burnt inside while got drowned, it was exhausted but overwhelming. Friends and family were there but still something missing made the chest like a black hole. It was utterly difficult because Ayah was the whole world for me.

It is not easy dealing with that feeling. It is not easy to realise that someone deserves to be happy. I should be happy. You should be happy. Walaupun kamu harus berdarah-darah dulu.

What I want to say is, My lecturer is stronger, she is the real MVP. For the huge stone, lets try finding a space in order you can stay breathing under the stone or when you got drown just cry for help. I know it is hard, really, really, really hard. But once again you deserve to be understood. You deserved to be listened. You deserve to be cared. You deserve to become who you are without masking. Just don't give up easily.