The Betrayal, They Said

Nothing beats the ambiance of late night. Sometime, it is worth trying to go out of the room and seeing the night sky in that ungodly hour. No matter blurry or clear the night is. Different feeling may be felt at that moment. The bat even can not cut through the night. The mild nowhere winds, the moon and starry stars, even the hopes which come from the endless grievance, can not cut through as well. There is nothing so called heroic thingy. There is no stares at all. There is nothing but solitude.

As a Javanese gal, the phrase liyep layap ing aluyut (half sleep and awake) seems really close, it is also known as the moment where the truth is showing. It is like someone who wears burqa putting it off and nothing covers one anymore. The truth comes along with the realization without asking, or even is being repulsed. It's naked just like that.

Other nut shell, Indonesia was just having a really happening moment. The Democrat Party factions in House of Representative (which brought the person to be a President of Indonesia--Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono) were making a walk-out action to expressed their neutrality during the plenary meeting of new bill direct/indirect regional elections of regional leaders. The result was showing that Regional House of Representative would give regional legislative council the rights to elect the regional leaders. That means they eliminate the direct elections. It is sad because, Indonesia would likely back to Orde Baru (New Order Regime), where Regional House of Representative elect the leader without contributing people's voice. It is sad because as a faction who has the most numerous seats in House of Representative, Democrat was like throwing their weight in support by their walk-out action, so that the indirect regional election was passed into law. Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono as a President and a leader of that party did not do anything to respond the result. The law is like stealing the rights of people and he just stood there. By then, the public made a shame of him by made a hashtags #ShameOnYouSBY on twitter that lasted for more than 10 hours in Trending Topic WorldWide, recalled that SBY himself was the first elected President of Indonesia. He can be said betrayed his people. By Regional House of Representation elected the leader, there will possibly come another corrupts and moroners who leads the region of Indonesia (morons will choose their morons friends). Well, Indonesian Politic is a concrete absurdity. People power will smack their ass off, just see it soon. 

ANTARA Photo by Yudhi Mahatma

There is no one can answer, no one can make it true but God. God, the temporary name for the endless permanently. 

большое спасибо, Любовь (Thank You Very Much, Love)

Setelah menghadiri acara bedah buku bertajuk Max Havelaar di Perpustakaan Pusat UI, entah kenapa bayangan seorang tokoh besar Indonesia ini makin bermain-main. Alih-alih Max Havelaar dengan frase egomaniac "Ik wil lezen!"-nya, sosok sederhana yang penuh cinta pada karya-karyanya, membuat hati rindu..

Terima kasih banyak. Terima kasih karena satu kalimat yang tidak sengaja terbaca ketika pertama kali mengikuti perkuliahan di UI, hati menjadi bangga karena Indonesia mempunyai sosok seperti Anda, walaupun kami yang bodoh ini lebih kentara menyiakan Anda. Terima kasih atas cinta tulus yang Anda berikan untuk Indonesia, walaupun telah dikhianati sedemikian rupa oleh kami, orang-orang papa ilmu yang mudah sekali dibuai. Basa-basi tidak ada gunanya lagi, memang. Tetapi, yang hanya dapat disampaikan sekarang adalah ucapan terima kasih dari lubuk hati terdalam. Tidak perlu panjang lebar lagi, hati ini telah diisi oleh Anda. Anda akan terus menjadi panutan dan dikenang. Setidaknya oleh saya ini, yang ompong tak tahu apa-apa. Tetapi, biarkan saya terus belajar dari karya-karya Anda.

Sekali lagi, terima kasih banyak, Pramoedya Ananta Toer. Terima kasih. 

Random Sublimate Thought

Bet everyone ever landed on a very random thought. Well, one, two or more random thoughts. Randomly think about the thing that makes scares, happy, amuse, or anxious then end up on exaggerating something around. Maybe someone ever walked to reach other place, then seeing 3 kg LPG (Liquid Petroleum Gas) on the street, then imagines it suddenly explodes. Thinks that life ends just like that, without fighting or even trying to save the life act. It become wilder when every LPG in every house, suddenly explodes. Maybe it will look like this :

or worse....

I tend to imagine that way everytime I step the feet to reach college. It doesnt mean I hate college, no, on the contrary, I love college. It just fun to get self anxious by stupid things like that.

Other nuts, random thoughts also brought to something that Goenawan Muhammad ever wrote. He wrote that, in our generations people is more easier to recall the first man that made a very first step in the moon than the very first man that saw the moon. People do not think that, the very first man who saw the moon struggled to question everything, like "why is the shining thing is there in the dark space?", "why is me, is there too, in the middle of nature?", "why is everything's there?", "why isn't on the contrary, nothing is there?". People do not know that the first man also understood that 'there' is like the noon: it makes concrete things come into sight but the own self. 

We tend to forget about that, because we do not have enough patience with something that blocks ourselves, then we are further from the very first man that saw the moon. We just welcomed and greeted the very first man that stepped the feet on the moon. 

Talking about the moon, the thought brings to a lonely poem titled, Manusia Pertama di Luar Angkasa (The Very First Man on The Outer Space) by Subagio Sastrowardoyo.

Beritakan kepada dunia

Bahwa aku telah sampai pada tepi

Darimana aku tak mungkin lagi kembali.

Aku kini melayang di tengah ruang

Di mana tak berpisah malam dan siang.

Hanya lautan yang hampa dilingkung cemerlang bintang.

Bumi telah tenggelam dan langit makin jauh mengawang.

Jagat begitu tenang. Tidak lapar

Hanya rindu kepada istri, kepada anak, kepada ibuku di rumah.

Makin jauh, makin kasih hati kepada mereka yang berpisah.

Apa yang kukenang? Masa kanak waktu tidur dekat ibu

Dengan membawa dongeng dalam mimpi tentang bota

Dan raksasa, peri, dan bidadari. Aku teringat

Kepada buku cerita yang terlipat dalam lemari.

Aku teringat kepada bunga mawar dari Elisa

Yang terselip dalam surat yang membisikkan cintanya kepadaku.

Yang mesra. Dia kini tentu berada di jendela

Dengan Alex dan Leo,-- itu anak-anak berandal yang 

kucinta –

Memandangi langit dengan sia. Hendak menangkap

Sekelumit dari pesawatku, seleret dari

Perlawatanku di langit tak berberita.

Masihkah langit mendung di bumi seperti waktu

Kutinggalkan kemarin dulu?

Apa yang kucita-cita? Tak ada lagi cita-cita

Sebab semua telah terbang bersama kereta

ruang ke  jagad tak berhuni. Tetapi

ada barangkali. Berilah aku satu kata puisi

daripada seribu rumus ilmu yang penuh janji

yang menyebabkan aku terlontar kini jauh dari bumi

yang kukasih. Angkasa ini bisu. Angkasa ini sepi

Tetapi aku telah sampai pada tepi

Darimana aku tak mungkin lagi kembali.

Ciumku kepada istriku, kepada anak dan ibuku

Dan salam kepada mereka yang kepadaku mengenang

Jagat begitu dalam, jagat begitu diam.

Aku makin jauh, makin jauh

Dari bumi yang kukasih. Hati makin sepi

Makin gemuruh.

      Bunda,

Jangan membiarkan aku sendiri.

A total Loner! Being far from the Earth, being apart, being ejected by science and men that have the ability to rule space and time, to calculate and design. On the outer space, is there, is alone, there is nothing that can be missed in that huge large space but poem. Screams, "Beri aku satu kata puisi!" (Give me one poem word!). Poem can cure emphaty to our Land, recovering our distant and disconnected relationship. Poem knows 'there'. Sometime pure and sharp reason does not always produce the truth. Poem makes us back to the very first man that saw the moon.

That just how the thought flew, I end it here.

Милый Мой Старик (My beloved Old man)

Home is not always sweet for everyone. Well, for me the phrase 'Home Sweet Home' does not fit. I prefer the room in Depok instead of in the house. But still, sometime I cant help myself to come home, checking whether Chomsky and Maurice are still alive, haha. Don't get me wrong, if you ever read учебник that released in Soviet regime that titled Снег (snow), you probably will understand. Haha, I bet most people haven't read. It is okay, I will give you the summary.

Снег (snow) is a story about coming home. The story begins when Mrs. Tatiana Petrovna is awaken in the night. She then read the letter from Nikolai Potapov. Nikolai Potapov is her step son who works as a soldier and he rarely comes home. Nikolai kept sending his Papa letter and still not knowing that Mr Potapov has already passed away, not knowing that the one who replied all his letters were Petrovna. She cant tell the truth. Then, Potapov had the time to invite his house. He takes the train, after arrives at local train station, he knew that his Papa already passed away several months ago. Now the house is lived by a woman who once an artist (Petrovna) and her daughter, Varya from Moscow. He knows those from local people. He then walks between the snow to reach home. When he arrives in front of the gate, he is just staring and thinking a lot. He thinks that the house which his Papa lived used to be warm, but now lives somebody else in there. It is not the same anymore. Better not see, better go further.

"Он решил в дом не заходить, а только пройти мимо, зайти в сад, постоять в старой беседке. Думать о том, что в доме отца живут чужие люди, было тяжело. лучше не видеть. уехать."

(По рассказу К. Паустовского- Снег)

"Ia memutuskan tidak masuk ke dalam rumah, hanya melewati saja, ia berdiri di pekarangan, di punjung (rumah kecil). Berpikir bahwa, rumah tempat ayahnya yang hangat dulu tinggal, kini dihuni oleh orang asing. Lebih baik tak usah dilihat. menjauh saja." 

Well, I feel the same way as Nikolai Potapov's. 

Dealing with Stone or Drowning

Woke up and saw lecturer's post on Facebook feed. She wrote her difficulty shredding the sadness after her father past away. She wrote that she kinda like a robot this last two years. That she used to hide the feeling and turned it into a life satirical joke. She thought she would be strong, but she is just a regular human with emotions. She stumbled again and held not to whining. The loss unconsciously makes her immobile. The loss of someone who sincerely loved her no matter what, the one who never bothered  just like another out there, the one who really she could talk with, be a bomb for her. The bomb started the action that time. 

I felt a little bite in chest when reading her post. Her writing just like I poured the tears years ago. There were many similarities. I remembered when Ayah past away two years ago, she sat beside me and told that I was stronger than her. She told not to whine longer and try to stand up again, but just don't force it. I did not get that strong-looks that time easily. Several times planning to drown self or run into a really fast moving fragment never missed in head. Felt like a huge stone over me, hardly breathed. Sometime, it felt like I burnt inside while got drowned, it was exhausted but overwhelming. Friends and family were there but still something missing made the chest like a black hole. It was utterly difficult because Ayah was the whole world for me.

It is not easy dealing with that feeling. It is not easy to realise that someone deserves to be happy. I should be happy. You should be happy. Walaupun kamu harus berdarah-darah dulu.

What I want to say is, My lecturer is stronger, she is the real MVP. For the huge stone, lets try finding a space in order you can stay breathing under the stone or when you got drown just cry for help. I know it is hard, really, really, really hard. But once again you deserve to be understood. You deserved to be listened. You deserve to be cared. You deserve to become who you are without masking. Just don't give up easily.

  

Знала что то?

What will you do when you see lie right before your eyes?

Will you butch it by the truth you know?

Or just enjoy the show?

Me frankly will go on to the second choice. It was really exciting to see how a person trying to save one's pride by lying, but unfortunately we knew what was going on back them. It was hilarious to see person felt save, but we clearly saw them embarrassing theirselves.

That was what the morning went today. The first day of college. Seeing one goofing around. Quite entertaining.

I can not expect that I will utilize these months ahead to gather sources of my thesis. I really do not have an ambitious or aim this time. For it is already dead long time ago. Well, I may not suppose to live like this anymore.

Why?

Because it is not fair for some human. Aussi je ne sais pas!

I am sorry for the swing mood. I really hope I can get the track again.

До встречи, дружья!