Mel Gibson and Christ

Christ and Mel Gibson. Faith and Violence. Those are things which market never punishes. So does with bad taste. I watched The Passion of The Christ and I can assure you that I can prove it. The Passion of The Christ is a perfect example of how director made something that can be called Faith Porn. 

What we know about pornography? Pornography often relates to something inappropriate. A term to  shows human body in a lustful way, creates an excitement optimally. In porn, details are more matter than totality (totality here relates to all physical activities). Just like porn, The Passion of The Christ breached all taboo things. 

Rouault in 1937 depicted Christ in his painting. There is an enigmatic, gloomy, charismatic, and mystery in that impasto technique and the thick lines. He brought the classic crucifixion painting tradition which signed with certain distance between the painter and Golgotha. When seeing his painting, we can embrace what Goethe ever said, "We draw a veil over the sufferings of Christ, simply because we revere them so deeply." But, Mel Gibson ripped that veil away in 2004. His Golgotha was full of close-ups under the sun, with bloody cut body, gawking wound and flesh that scattered from the endless trouncing. Like a hyperbole, The Passion of The Christ is a porn. Every hyperbole was considered to be relevant. Yeah, this movie showed what was the relevant thing, therefore (not love or affection) exasperation torture and the great pain of sufferings. 

Georges Rouault - Crucifixion (1937)

One Is Not Born, But Rather Becomes, A Woman - Beauvoir

Being a feminist is not about trying to imitate men, hatred to men, burning bras or naked. Being feminist is about free to decide who you want to be, how to act and be responsible to your choice. It is not a shame to demand respect. 

Source: @grenta's journal

Hard to Spell, Easy to Practice: Misogyny

Being a woman is suck, she said. At a second the wrinkle on the forehead shaped, presenting disagreement. But then, slowly the wrinkle gone, the eyes were pointing to a random object, still thinking. Ah, ya she is not that wrong. I can follow her saying about that. Like it or not, I must admit that being a woman in this patriarchal and misogynist country is utterly suck. The pain of having menstruate every month is not enough, women have also facing affliction, oppression, underestimation, silly cat-calling, and stereotyping, labeling from society.

Being a widow, by a divorce or death separated, is a major deal on this society. By having that status, you have to ready that people will stare at the back and make the opinion that you are about to lose the wealth or poor or difficult to suffice the daily needs for you and the children as well, because there is no spouse to do so for you. 

 I have secret for you, society, protect your own lover or husband to not fall for them, do not let them chat too long, help too often, or even laugh with them. 

By having status as a widow, every main thing will connect to economy and sexual theme. Economy theme will lead their thoughts that you are easy to lean on everyone that has lots of money. Also, It is not a problem being in affair with somebody's husband or being a second or third or so, as long as you can bath money. Well, if  money is not the main thing you count, it is alright to still have someone who holds or shares sexual desire with you. It is because you are so lonely, right? I am damn right. 

Fuck it, people.

Just fuck it. I can not process or even accept that way of thinking. Being widow for a woman is much harder. People use the word 'widow' to allow their logical fallacy of thinking to be true. With the word 'widow' for a women, people disgustingly related to anything lower; economy, morality, behavior. (I am sorry, I related this to my nearest experience). Cut that off!!!

Being a widow for a woman is a real struggle. If you, my good friend, want to know what they really pass on their life is, they actually spare their major time to work and pray. They try to stand up again after losing their life partner to continue the life. Life is keep walking and have to be continued even with the unlikeliest way. There is no time to think about so, to think about what most people have in mind about them and their activities. 

Clean up the mind, spare the time to think that stereotyping and labeling just make your head narrower. Do not see them by the status, but simply human. Respect them just like you want to be respected by others. 

The society is not yet mature enough, can not hope big on it though. But for you, my friends, I hope you do not swim your mind to those rushes. Please turn back, be mature and just respect everyone. For you who struggles on this patriarchy and misogyny world, my friends, even though we may not meet, cry, kiss or, even laugh together, I love you. With all my heart. 

Work of Words

People still have difficulty to move on since the movie Ada Apa Dengan Cinta? (What's With Love?) was aired again on telly. It could be said, regarded as one of many legendary movies in Indonesia. 12 years had passed since it aired on cinema then it back again with the sequel, which was sponsored by Line (kind of android chatting application). If I may give conclusion, the sequel was Blah!(capital B).Really, you do not have to see it, does not change anything but craving to see the 12 years old version. Seeing the old version also brought to another conclusion that actually Ada Apa Dengan Cinta (What's With Love?) is just like usual romantic teenage movie. The thing that made it legendary was (maybe) when it first launched in 2002, not many Indonesian movie was produced. 

It is just silly conclusion from a toothless then, so beat it. Anyway, still the movie had triggered people to read more of Chairul Anwar's works (tough, major of us only know Binatang Jalang) and Rangga officially became a favorite boyfriend material icon. Still, this four thumbs will be given to Line for such marketing strategies, really smart way to go (besides all of those crappiness and too much slow motion effect, for sure). They played with ex-Indonesian teenagers with memory, no one can refuse it. Good job, Line!

For I am an adorer of works of words, I still like it the poem that heard in the end of movie. It goes like this,

Perempuan datang atas nama Cinta

Bunda pergi karena Cinta

Digenangi air racun jingga adalah wajahmu

Seperti bulan lelap tidur di hatimu

Yang berdinding kelam dan kedinginan

Ada apa dengannya?

Meninggalkan hati untuk dicaci

Baru sekali ini aku melihat karya surga dalam mata seorang hawa

Ada apa dengan Cinta?

Tapi pasti aku akan kembali 

Dalam satu purnama untuk mempertanyakan kembali cintanya

Bukan untuknya, bukan untuk siapa

Tapi untukku

Karena aku ingin kamu

Itu saja.

Best way to woo women, there you go! Another work of words that founded amazing is on Vivian Idris. It goes like this,

Hari ini aku panah yang lepas

Menerabas jalan-jalan kota

Menerbangkan debu-debu jalan

Mengacaukan tenang daun-daun

Menyambar api yang kusematkan di rambut-rambut kota

Dan menari diiringi lagu kebangsaan

Tuhan, Bapak, Ibu

Aku ingin membangkang.

It seems I started to make another out of topic subject, so better end here. But, if really the past greet you again, would you greet them back? Or leave it then? Or what? Because I myself will respond "oh, fuck" instead of, "jadi satu purnama di...." well, it is just me. 

The Look of Silence (SENYAP)

I was having a little tantrum because of unpredictable notification on Gmail. That immature rage brought me to  Taman Ismail Marzuki alone, I was hoping that I still got the chance to watch documentary movie titled The Look of Silence by Joshua Oppenheimer. For you, who already have watched Jagal: The Act of Killing, must be know who that guy is. He is the director of both Jagal and The Look of Silence documentary movie.

The Looks of Silence's movie poster

I myself was more into this one than Jagal, both were amazingly disturbing but The Looks of Silence was more surreal and emotional because it used the view point of a Mother. The first line which a Mother sung in the beginning of the movie made my eyes swollen. Joshua was a wrecker because he made me laughed but guilty in the next second, until I could not anymore laughed. People were still bursting that they forgot about the object that they were laughing at,was the victim of deepest sadness and sorrow, who finally lost and chose to forget the sadness, then be numb in his 100th. This documentary movie, once again question the humanity issue in Indonesia and depict how Indonesian people see it. The result is unfortunately disappointing. You can see the culmination point of anger, sadness, disappointment, confused, and  rage on his eyes.

Adi Rukun (the main actor of SENYAP, brother of Ramli allegedly PKI)

History subject that our teachers had taught us in Elementary School to Senior High School just delivered a dichotomic conclusion, therefore bad or evil, right or wrong. It did not leave the students think critically cause the teacher just put in the dogma. That is what happens on our society seeing communism and G30S PKI. They blabber that communism is an atheist system, need to be demolished, so it is okay killing somebody that an atheist. Killing and drinking their blood, if I my add. Can you process that? killing somebody because one allegedly an atheist and drink their blood to keep sane? This is about humanity (and I believe no religion order their people to do so as well), no one allows to kill  another for being so. It is a violence of human rights! Our symbolic society keep choosing to be deaf anyway. 

Well, I ran out of the words. I can not say much but BRAVISSIMO to this work. I hope this kind of work will slowly but sure, open up the eyes of our society facing Indonesian humanity issue. Let us stop that gengsi act and mind this issue. I also hope many Indonesian sineas will be brave bring up this topic to us to a larger space. Thank you, Oppenheimer! 

Did You Ever See Anyone Shot by a Gun without Bleeding? -- Haruki Murakami on Sputnik Sweetheart

Why do people have to be this lonely? what's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? was the Earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?

I turned face-up on the slab of stone, gazed at the sky, and thought about all the man-made satellites spinning around the Earth. The horizon was still etched in a faint glow, and stars began to blink on in the deep, wine-coloured sky. I gazed among them for the light of the satellites, but it was still too bright out to spot one with naked eye. The sprinkling of starts looked nailed to the spot, unmoving. I closed my eyes and listened carefully for the descendants of Sputnik, even now circling the Earth, gratifying their only tie to the planet. Lonely metal souls in the unimpeded darkness of space, they meet, pass each other, and part. Never to meet again. No words passing between them. No promises to keep. 

Sputnik II and Laika 

Over Analyzing

Religion started from a tranquility then ended with a construction in a tremendous moment. Buddha under the tree in Bodh Gaya, Moses in the top of the Sinai, Muhammad in the Cave of Hira. Every moment that has presented was a culmination and uncustomary when one felt the presence of the Most Powerful. The numinous, just like Rudolf Otto tried to describe, "mysterious, eeriness, and riveting". Saint Agustinus, 500 years ago, also amplified similar feeling, "I was trembling with love and thrill".

Religion started with a trembling, there were love and thrill, there were amor and horror. Centuries ago, after 'met' with the numinous, we are seeing something that no longer be solitude or silent. We are seeing glorious mosques, gigantic churches, golden Buddha statue which lies 14 meters, pagoda with the luminous top, majestic kenisah, and congregation people. Crowd.

Every religious's experiences are tried to be immortalized by something unbreakable, something strong. Which, those were all the shapes of a fantasy of something that can not be dead. Or something that loom, which that also include a shape of something that glorious, sublime, and noble. Or, something that shiny which shapes dazzling.  

In the end, it is no longer a solitude that takes over, but structure.

The thing that seldom be realised, structure is built by collected power. The same way as are about to build a business emporium, there were devices and strategies. There is no 'magic' moment anymore because calculation is the top of the matter. Time is becoming to be something that can be measured. Time becomes seculum.

That is how exactly secular possessed religiousness.

Happy Holy Friday dan Selamat Idul Adha. 

Не Первая Любовь, Только Снег Идёт (Not a First Love, Just a falling Snow)

Will be gladly if we can recall again the previous post titled 'Милый,Мой Старик'. Gladly, the continuity has been found. It was not that hard to find the continuity for you just flipped the next page (yes, please judge me, oh society). Better we face the truth then on that page which this toothless found. Ok, here we go, my friend, the story Снег (Snow) by К. Паустовский.

The previous story was ended in the scene where Potapov just stayed out the house and made a thought about coming home. While he was made an insightful thought, suddenly Mrs. Petrovna saw him and insisted him to come in. She already had sense that the guy was Potapov, her step son. The scene was describing that Potapov had a fancy and blank tea conversation with the host in the house, including Varya, Petrovna's daughter. An awkward conversation also happened between they both. Hours had passed, came the time where Potapov should have back to the battle-field-nature (for he is a Soviet soldier). Petrovna just said "Пишите. Мы теперь как родные. Правда?" (Write please, we are already just like 'family', right?". But Potapov did not say any single word to respond. Then, several days later after Potapov's visiting, He did wrote to Petrovna. The letter went like this:

"Я вспомнил, конечно, где мы встрачались. Помните Крым в двадцать седьмом году? Осень. Старый Ливадийский парк. Я шёл по дорожке в Ореанду. На скамейке около дорожки сидела девушка. Ей было, наверное, лет  шестнадцать. Она увидела меня, встала и пошла навстречу. Я смотрел на её. Она прошла мимо меня быстро, легко, держа в руке открытую книгу. Я остановился и долго смотрел на её. Это были Вы. Я смотрел тогда и чувствовал, что мимо меня прошла женщина, которая могла бы и разрушить всю мою жизнь и дать мне огромное счастье. Я понял, что могу очень сильно полюбить эту женщину. Тогда я уже знал, что должен найти вас во что бы то ни стало. Так я думал тогда, но всё же не двинулся с места. Почему -- не знаю. С тех пор я полюбил Крым и эту дорожку, где я видел Вас однажды и потерял. И вот Я опять встретил Вас. Если всё кончится хорошо и Вам нужна будет моя жизнь, она, конечно, будет Ваша. Да, я нашёл на столе у отца свое распечатанное письмо. Я понял всё и могу только поблагодарить Вас"

(I remembered, of course, where we met. Don't you remember year 1927? Autumn. Old Livadiskiy Park. I went on a way to Oreanda. On a bench there was a girl sat. She was, maybe, sixteen years old. She saw me, stood up and walked towards me. I saw her. She passed me quickly, easily, with her book on hand. I stopped and watched her long. She was you. I looked and felt that near me there was a woman, that maybe could destroy my whole life and give me warm happiness. I sensed that I could strongly love her. I then knew, that I should have looked for you by all means. I knew it but did not make any move even a little. Why? I dont know. I always love Krimea and it's path since all this time, where I saw you that day then disappeared. And again, I met you. If only all this happenings have to end well and you have to be my life, my life, off course,  will be yours too. Yes, I saw Papa's letters on the table. I see everything and can only say thank you.)

Yes, maybe one can think how romantic, sweet and naive he was. I myself hardly believe on a first-sight-love-kind-of-thing. Potapov kinda ruin my imagination though, kinda disappointed to him that he acted like a regular man near beautiful woman (not his false either). But couldn't he remember that Petrovna is his step mother? his Late Papa's wife? Those which he supposed to remember at the first place. 

Does not matter, the respond of Petrovna herself was unpredictable and...funny if can be said. It went like this:

"Боже мой, я никогда не была в Крыму! никогда! Но может ли теперь это иметь значение?"

(Oh my God, I have never been on Krimea! never! But could that be important now?)

Она засмеялась, закрыла глаза рукой. За окном горел и никак не мог погаснуть неяркий закат. 

(She laughed, closed her eyes with hands. Outside the window, snow has burned and the harmless rejection can not that easily be delivered.)

You have just mistaken me with somebody that already you knew too well, young man. 

The Betrayal, They Said

Nothing beats the ambiance of late night. Sometime, it is worth trying to go out of the room and seeing the night sky in that ungodly hour. No matter blurry or clear the night is. Different feeling may be felt at that moment. The bat even can not cut through the night. The mild nowhere winds, the moon and starry stars, even the hopes which come from the endless grievance, can not cut through as well. There is nothing so called heroic thingy. There is no stares at all. There is nothing but solitude.

As a Javanese gal, the phrase liyep layap ing aluyut (half sleep and awake) seems really close, it is also known as the moment where the truth is showing. It is like someone who wears burqa putting it off and nothing covers one anymore. The truth comes along with the realization without asking, or even is being repulsed. It's naked just like that.

Other nut shell, Indonesia was just having a really happening moment. The Democrat Party factions in House of Representative (which brought the person to be a President of Indonesia--Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono) were making a walk-out action to expressed their neutrality during the plenary meeting of new bill direct/indirect regional elections of regional leaders. The result was showing that Regional House of Representative would give regional legislative council the rights to elect the regional leaders. That means they eliminate the direct elections. It is sad because, Indonesia would likely back to Orde Baru (New Order Regime), where Regional House of Representative elect the leader without contributing people's voice. It is sad because as a faction who has the most numerous seats in House of Representative, Democrat was like throwing their weight in support by their walk-out action, so that the indirect regional election was passed into law. Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono as a President and a leader of that party did not do anything to respond the result. The law is like stealing the rights of people and he just stood there. By then, the public made a shame of him by made a hashtags #ShameOnYouSBY on twitter that lasted for more than 10 hours in Trending Topic WorldWide, recalled that SBY himself was the first elected President of Indonesia. He can be said betrayed his people. By Regional House of Representation elected the leader, there will possibly come another corrupts and moroners who leads the region of Indonesia (morons will choose their morons friends). Well, Indonesian Politic is a concrete absurdity. People power will smack their ass off, just see it soon. 

ANTARA Photo by Yudhi Mahatma

There is no one can answer, no one can make it true but God. God, the temporary name for the endless permanently. 

большое спасибо, Любовь (Thank You Very Much, Love)

Setelah menghadiri acara bedah buku bertajuk Max Havelaar di Perpustakaan Pusat UI, entah kenapa bayangan seorang tokoh besar Indonesia ini makin bermain-main. Alih-alih Max Havelaar dengan frase egomaniac "Ik wil lezen!"-nya, sosok sederhana yang penuh cinta pada karya-karyanya, membuat hati rindu..

Terima kasih banyak. Terima kasih karena satu kalimat yang tidak sengaja terbaca ketika pertama kali mengikuti perkuliahan di UI, hati menjadi bangga karena Indonesia mempunyai sosok seperti Anda, walaupun kami yang bodoh ini lebih kentara menyiakan Anda. Terima kasih atas cinta tulus yang Anda berikan untuk Indonesia, walaupun telah dikhianati sedemikian rupa oleh kami, orang-orang papa ilmu yang mudah sekali dibuai. Basa-basi tidak ada gunanya lagi, memang. Tetapi, yang hanya dapat disampaikan sekarang adalah ucapan terima kasih dari lubuk hati terdalam. Tidak perlu panjang lebar lagi, hati ini telah diisi oleh Anda. Anda akan terus menjadi panutan dan dikenang. Setidaknya oleh saya ini, yang ompong tak tahu apa-apa. Tetapi, biarkan saya terus belajar dari karya-karya Anda.

Sekali lagi, terima kasih banyak, Pramoedya Ananta Toer. Terima kasih. 

Random Sublimate Thought

Bet everyone ever landed on a very random thought. Well, one, two or more random thoughts. Randomly think about the thing that makes scares, happy, amuse, or anxious then end up on exaggerating something around. Maybe someone ever walked to reach other place, then seeing 3 kg LPG (Liquid Petroleum Gas) on the street, then imagines it suddenly explodes. Thinks that life ends just like that, without fighting or even trying to save the life act. It become wilder when every LPG in every house, suddenly explodes. Maybe it will look like this :

or worse....

I tend to imagine that way everytime I step the feet to reach college. It doesnt mean I hate college, no, on the contrary, I love college. It just fun to get self anxious by stupid things like that.

Other nuts, random thoughts also brought to something that Goenawan Muhammad ever wrote. He wrote that, in our generations people is more easier to recall the first man that made a very first step in the moon than the very first man that saw the moon. People do not think that, the very first man who saw the moon struggled to question everything, like "why is the shining thing is there in the dark space?", "why is me, is there too, in the middle of nature?", "why is everything's there?", "why isn't on the contrary, nothing is there?". People do not know that the first man also understood that 'there' is like the noon: it makes concrete things come into sight but the own self. 

We tend to forget about that, because we do not have enough patience with something that blocks ourselves, then we are further from the very first man that saw the moon. We just welcomed and greeted the very first man that stepped the feet on the moon. 

Talking about the moon, the thought brings to a lonely poem titled, Manusia Pertama di Luar Angkasa (The Very First Man on The Outer Space) by Subagio Sastrowardoyo.

Beritakan kepada dunia

Bahwa aku telah sampai pada tepi

Darimana aku tak mungkin lagi kembali.

Aku kini melayang di tengah ruang

Di mana tak berpisah malam dan siang.

Hanya lautan yang hampa dilingkung cemerlang bintang.

Bumi telah tenggelam dan langit makin jauh mengawang.

Jagat begitu tenang. Tidak lapar

Hanya rindu kepada istri, kepada anak, kepada ibuku di rumah.

Makin jauh, makin kasih hati kepada mereka yang berpisah.

Apa yang kukenang? Masa kanak waktu tidur dekat ibu

Dengan membawa dongeng dalam mimpi tentang bota

Dan raksasa, peri, dan bidadari. Aku teringat

Kepada buku cerita yang terlipat dalam lemari.

Aku teringat kepada bunga mawar dari Elisa

Yang terselip dalam surat yang membisikkan cintanya kepadaku.

Yang mesra. Dia kini tentu berada di jendela

Dengan Alex dan Leo,-- itu anak-anak berandal yang 

kucinta –

Memandangi langit dengan sia. Hendak menangkap

Sekelumit dari pesawatku, seleret dari

Perlawatanku di langit tak berberita.

Masihkah langit mendung di bumi seperti waktu

Kutinggalkan kemarin dulu?

Apa yang kucita-cita? Tak ada lagi cita-cita

Sebab semua telah terbang bersama kereta

ruang ke  jagad tak berhuni. Tetapi

ada barangkali. Berilah aku satu kata puisi

daripada seribu rumus ilmu yang penuh janji

yang menyebabkan aku terlontar kini jauh dari bumi

yang kukasih. Angkasa ini bisu. Angkasa ini sepi

Tetapi aku telah sampai pada tepi

Darimana aku tak mungkin lagi kembali.

Ciumku kepada istriku, kepada anak dan ibuku

Dan salam kepada mereka yang kepadaku mengenang

Jagat begitu dalam, jagat begitu diam.

Aku makin jauh, makin jauh

Dari bumi yang kukasih. Hati makin sepi

Makin gemuruh.

      Bunda,

Jangan membiarkan aku sendiri.

A total Loner! Being far from the Earth, being apart, being ejected by science and men that have the ability to rule space and time, to calculate and design. On the outer space, is there, is alone, there is nothing that can be missed in that huge large space but poem. Screams, "Beri aku satu kata puisi!" (Give me one poem word!). Poem can cure emphaty to our Land, recovering our distant and disconnected relationship. Poem knows 'there'. Sometime pure and sharp reason does not always produce the truth. Poem makes us back to the very first man that saw the moon.

That just how the thought flew, I end it here.

Милый Мой Старик (My beloved Old man)

Home is not always sweet for everyone. Well, for me the phrase 'Home Sweet Home' does not fit. I prefer the room in Depok instead of in the house. But still, sometime I cant help myself to come home, checking whether Chomsky and Maurice are still alive, haha. Don't get me wrong, if you ever read учебник that released in Soviet regime that titled Снег (snow), you probably will understand. Haha, I bet most people haven't read. It is okay, I will give you the summary.

Снег (snow) is a story about coming home. The story begins when Mrs. Tatiana Petrovna is awaken in the night. She then read the letter from Nikolai Potapov. Nikolai Potapov is her step son who works as a soldier and he rarely comes home. Nikolai kept sending his Papa letter and still not knowing that Mr Potapov has already passed away, not knowing that the one who replied all his letters were Petrovna. She cant tell the truth. Then, Potapov had the time to invite his house. He takes the train, after arrives at local train station, he knew that his Papa already passed away several months ago. Now the house is lived by a woman who once an artist (Petrovna) and her daughter, Varya from Moscow. He knows those from local people. He then walks between the snow to reach home. When he arrives in front of the gate, he is just staring and thinking a lot. He thinks that the house which his Papa lived used to be warm, but now lives somebody else in there. It is not the same anymore. Better not see, better go further.

"Он решил в дом не заходить, а только пройти мимо, зайти в сад, постоять в старой беседке. Думать о том, что в доме отца живут чужие люди, было тяжело. лучше не видеть. уехать."

(По рассказу К. Паустовского- Снег)

"Ia memutuskan tidak masuk ke dalam rumah, hanya melewati saja, ia berdiri di pekarangan, di punjung (rumah kecil). Berpikir bahwa, rumah tempat ayahnya yang hangat dulu tinggal, kini dihuni oleh orang asing. Lebih baik tak usah dilihat. menjauh saja." 

Well, I feel the same way as Nikolai Potapov's. 

Dealing with Stone or Drowning

Woke up and saw lecturer's post on Facebook feed. She wrote her difficulty shredding the sadness after her father past away. She wrote that she kinda like a robot this last two years. That she used to hide the feeling and turned it into a life satirical joke. She thought she would be strong, but she is just a regular human with emotions. She stumbled again and held not to whining. The loss unconsciously makes her immobile. The loss of someone who sincerely loved her no matter what, the one who never bothered  just like another out there, the one who really she could talk with, be a bomb for her. The bomb started the action that time. 

I felt a little bite in chest when reading her post. Her writing just like I poured the tears years ago. There were many similarities. I remembered when Ayah past away two years ago, she sat beside me and told that I was stronger than her. She told not to whine longer and try to stand up again, but just don't force it. I did not get that strong-looks that time easily. Several times planning to drown self or run into a really fast moving fragment never missed in head. Felt like a huge stone over me, hardly breathed. Sometime, it felt like I burnt inside while got drowned, it was exhausted but overwhelming. Friends and family were there but still something missing made the chest like a black hole. It was utterly difficult because Ayah was the whole world for me.

It is not easy dealing with that feeling. It is not easy to realise that someone deserves to be happy. I should be happy. You should be happy. Walaupun kamu harus berdarah-darah dulu.

What I want to say is, My lecturer is stronger, she is the real MVP. For the huge stone, lets try finding a space in order you can stay breathing under the stone or when you got drown just cry for help. I know it is hard, really, really, really hard. But once again you deserve to be understood. You deserved to be listened. You deserve to be cared. You deserve to become who you are without masking. Just don't give up easily.

  

Знала что то?

What will you do when you see lie right before your eyes?

Will you butch it by the truth you know?

Or just enjoy the show?

Me frankly will go on to the second choice. It was really exciting to see how a person trying to save one's pride by lying, but unfortunately we knew what was going on back them. It was hilarious to see person felt save, but we clearly saw them embarrassing theirselves.

That was what the morning went today. The first day of college. Seeing one goofing around. Quite entertaining.

I can not expect that I will utilize these months ahead to gather sources of my thesis. I really do not have an ambitious or aim this time. For it is already dead long time ago. Well, I may not suppose to live like this anymore.

Why?

Because it is not fair for some human. Aussi je ne sais pas!

I am sorry for the swing mood. I really hope I can get the track again.

До встречи, дружья!

Unexpected Suicide

Actually I better not telling this. Because it is for sure will hit my dignity (whatever you name it). Yesterday, after finishing the work at Prodi office, I got smashed by the wind. It got worse when I rode a motorcycle in the cold night. Stomachache really knelled me down.But still spare my time to stopped at local groceries. this goddamn stomach made me a center of attention for I blatantly farted. My life ended just like that yesterday. 

Unfortunately, I was not that confident to say so.  

Solitary Isolated

Got woke up this morning and realized the early morning activities had missed again. Started to lock these eyes in grumpiness and disappointment. Then thought of something about lonely came up. Why is one can feel that way? why does the phrase 'feeling lonely in the crowd' is created? what is lonely, by the way ? is it made up of bored? no, it is not. 

Whatever it is, it is the best feeling in the world.

The eyes began to shut and then (mute).

Watching Today

Just got back from the friend's house. Had helped them to cook. Not a complicated one, just made a regular soup. Indonesian regular soup that consisted with many vegetables such as, carrot, cabbage, and peas. The thing that made me hilarious then was, my friend was ran out of water. But, he did not show any move to fill the new one. I shouted to him that we do not have water to drink anymore. But, he still did not move his lazy ass and sit still staring at the monitor. Then I came back to kitchen and started to fill the glass with tap water. Yeah, I hardcorely made the soup using it. Then there it all happened. We just sit and ate and being stupid. Could hear one of them said, "hey, this is not bad!!". Yeah, eat it up, asshole. I told nothing to them and not even touched the dish I 've made. If the next hours one of them get sick, well the tap water had just started the introduction. 

The new semester will be starting next week. Entering the last year of college (time flies madly). Three months holiday had passed splendidly. I found new love. Love here does not always mean the opposite sex. It means love that truly made  happy cause of bursting of laugh and spirit (pret). Well lets just reveal that in this last three weeks, I spent my hours of life watching Running Man. I know, it is lame, it is ketinggalan-jaman, it is kemana-ajeh-lo-empat-taun-lalu?, it is oh-my-plis-here-is-the-new-kpoper-wanabe, well I don't give a damn. I really like watching it, specially the old episodes.

(from left to right: Kim Jong Kook, Yoo Jae Suk, Kwang Soo, Ha Dong Hoon, Ji Suk Jin, Song Ji Hyo, Kang Gae Ri) 

I really barely know this variety show. Yeah, ketinggalan jaman emang. It is just, gue biasanya gak gandrung sama semua hal yang happening. Tapi begitu ada kemauan untuk lihat dan ternyata suka, ya beginilah hasilnya. Tapi gak semua hal yang happening (yang mau gue lihat) bakalan end up dengan kesukaan berlebih gue. Jarang. Tapi untuk acara ini, still being an opium. My favorite members in it are Yoo Jae Suk and the only woman, Song Ji Hyo.  Well, I want to say sorry and thank you for those who have tried to seduce me before to watch it (and ended up a failure). I moved my own hand to open the folder and these eyes can not stop watching them. Let the time alone stop me.

The same hand-movement also happened to the whole Twilight Saga, but it ended up with this kind of facial expression -.-. Have tried The Avangers and Ironman, not working too. People are now babbling about Guardians of Galaxy, I have sense already that I will end up with those Marvel product facial expression. The conclusion is, I do not like 'hero-hero' movie kind of thing, I am sorry!

 I am more enjoying Annie Hall from Woody Allen for holiday. His movies are like kinds of my movie. Try yourself to see Annie Hall, Midnight in Paris, The Scoop, To Rome with Love, and Fading Gigolo. Could be said, I love Woody Allen. He is satirical and have wild imagination. Also, just like Murakami, Allen knows how to make something memorable by adding some particular songs. Billy Holiday to Luciano Pavarotti, well done, Allen!

I actually want to declare that I will fill this box everyday. But, I am tired hearing myself bragging that way. So then, lets just hope I wont miss the box for months like I did before. Black Socks really wants to be useful to another human.

kemana aja sih?

Hai, Lupa kalo masih inget password ini. Gue gak kemana-mana kok, masih di sini aja, depan leptop, about to gag cause of duties. Besok sambung lagi ah